Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize