I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
