She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
