I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
