Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
