my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
