um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
