dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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