so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
