Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
