Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
