I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
