We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
