Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My cat gives me a boner
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
