dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
