i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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