I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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