yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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