he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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