i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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