Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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