I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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