my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
