I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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