I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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