I don't remember. Are we still dating?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
