she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
