I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
