made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
