Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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