come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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