I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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