I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
