I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I touched a dick in church today
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
