maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
