i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
