Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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