I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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