I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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