Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize