Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
