dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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