8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
