I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize