it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
