Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
