omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
