Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
