he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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