I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
