Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
