I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
