Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
