if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
