Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I will be naked everywhere
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
